1. Make a cup of tea and put it on a high shelf out of reach. Forget about it. Then make a second and place in a spot out of danger. Return to first cup and have a couple of cold gulps. Repeat whole process throughout the day. Important: You must never finish a whole cup.
2. Use the bathroom with the door wide open and allow people to randomly walk in. While you are carrying out your ablutions shout out instructions to other people in the house. Also, introduce an Andrex Puppy into the house to run off with the loo paper.
3. Start reading the ‘it’ book of the moment. After three pages throw it away.
4. Buy a pile of new trendy clothes…then return them all in exchange for another pair of leggings/jeans.
5. Get home from work, keep your coat on and try to cook a healthy dinner in under 15 minutes while a snake, or similar constricting creature, curls around your legs. For added effect, make sure all the lights are on in the house, the TV is blaring and the phone is ringing.
6. Go for a night away and leave your pet or partner at home . . . but leave detailed instructions (and kit) for the neighbours on when pet/partner eats, sleeps and plays. Ring home every hour to see how said pet/partner is doing. Talk incessantly during night away about pet/partner and get emotional looking at photos on your phone.
7. Borrow a puppy and go to a chilly church hall and sit on the floor with other adults. Let the puppies loose. Chat about how many times you have been to the loo that day and how much sleep you got last night. Try to drink a cup of coffee while jumping up and down to sort out your puppy as it creates mayhem or fights with the other dogs. Before you leave sing nursery rhymes with the other adults to try and calm the puppies. Pay for the privilege of this morning’s ‘entertainment’.
8. While driving point out tractors in fields, trains, dogs going for a walk and throw snacks over your shoulder into the back seat.
9. After a late night out ask a rock band to come and rehearse in your living room while you try to fix your hangover. Throw in a few gymnasts too for extra stress value.
10. Get a new car and grind biscuit crumbs into the back seat. Next, drop sticky sweets on the floor and scuff your shoes against the seat backs.
Congratulations! You’ve now passed stage one of parenting. Welcome to the family 🙂
